CD3 of C2

After a week of the worst PMS I have ever had, mean old Aunt flo made her appearance on the two year anniversary of the day I found out I was pregnant with our first loss. I’m sad, but at the same time I’m optimistic for the cycles ahead. The only thing that does concern me a little is that my last two periods have only lasted two days. Compared to the 7 day periods I had always known, it feels like something isn’t right but I can’t find anything on the Internet about it so perhaps I’m just being paranoid? 

CD24 of C1

8-10DPO… I snapped and tested. Obviously it was NEGATIVE. LOL.

Never mind, there’s still time for it to change right? 

CD22 of C1

I’m between 6 and 8 DPO and I can’t deny the cRaZy has begun to set in. First, I snapped and bought a whopping 52 pregnancy tests a couple of days ago despite saying on CD1 that I wouldn’t. I am proud to say that I haven’t actually used any.. Yet. But, in the last two years I’ve never been able to wait a whole 14 days to take a test so I guess we’ll wait and see how that works out. Then, I started repeatedly opening the fertility apps on my phone. I habitually check the current CD and how many DPO I am pretty much every time I sit down and pick up my phone, as though a whole week could have gone by in the last two hours and I wouldn’t have noticed. Of course, despite knowing that implantation usually occurs around 9DPO I’ve begun experiencing “pregnancy symptoms” otherwise known to any sane woman as PMS. I know it’s just PMS because not only is it too early for genuine pregnancy symptoms but I get these same symptoms every month.. Even when we’ve not been intimate during my fertile phase. I still can’t help but think ‘oh my boobs aren’t usually this sore!’ but in reality I know that I’m just being ridiculous. I’m going to put the tests out of sight and go distract myself with some housework.. After I’ve checked Ovia and fertility friend of course. 

CD17 of C1.

We are officially in our two week wait. I’m between 1 and 3 days passed ovulation (my thermometer is on the blink so I’m going by OPKs and CM). So far I’m quietly confident. This cycle has the exact same timing as our first cycle (we’d been not trying /not preventing almost 18 months but that was our first time actually trying with OPKs) two years ago, the loss of the which started this whole thing. I look back and I see how incredibly nieve we were. 

I was less than 6 weeks pregnant when my proud fiance announced our pregnancy on Facebook. ‘It’s too soon’ I scolded, but it was too late. People had already started congratulating us. He reassured me that everything would be fine, and we went about our lives without a care in the world until the bleeding started. If I am pregnant this cycle, I’ll find out on the 2 year anniversary of the day I found out the first time. Half of me is convinced that we’ll get a positive this time because of the timing, like it’s some kind of sign, like the universe is going to make everything “all better”. The other part of me is horrified knowing that I’m probably not pregnant and I’ll have to face that anniversary in the company of aunt flo. Of course, in reality I know that even if I do get a positive, there’s no guarantee I wouldn’t miscarry again and even if I didn’t, even if everything worked out perfectly this time, there’s no way that everything could ever be “all better” again. I’ll always wonder who my babies would have grown up to become.. I’ll always wonder what could have been.