CD3 of C2

After a week of the worst PMS I have ever had, mean old Aunt flo made her appearance on the two year anniversary of the day I found out I was pregnant with our first loss. I’m sad, but at the same time I’m optimistic for the cycles ahead. The only thing that does concern me a little is that my last two periods have only lasted two days. Compared to the 7 day periods I had always known, it feels like something isn’t right but I can’t find anything on the Internet about it so perhaps I’m just being paranoid? 

CD22 of C1

I’m between 6 and 8 DPO and I can’t deny the cRaZy has begun to set in. First, I snapped and bought a whopping 52 pregnancy tests a couple of days ago despite saying on CD1 that I wouldn’t. I am proud to say that I haven’t actually used any.. Yet. But, in the last two years I’ve never been able to wait a whole 14 days to take a test so I guess we’ll wait and see how that works out. Then, I started repeatedly opening the fertility apps on my phone. I habitually check the current CD and how many DPO I am pretty much every time I sit down and pick up my phone, as though a whole week could have gone by in the last two hours and I wouldn’t have noticed. Of course, despite knowing that implantation usually occurs around 9DPO I’ve begun experiencing “pregnancy symptoms” otherwise known to any sane woman as PMS. I know it’s just PMS because not only is it too early for genuine pregnancy symptoms but I get these same symptoms every month.. Even when we’ve not been intimate during my fertile phase. I still can’t help but think ‘oh my boobs aren’t usually this sore!’ but in reality I know that I’m just being ridiculous. I’m going to put the tests out of sight and go distract myself with some housework.. After I’ve checked Ovia and fertility friend of course. 

    CD17 of C1. 

    We are officially in our two week wait. I’m between 1 and 3 days passed ovulation (my thermometer is on the blink so I’m going by OPKs and CM). So far I’m quietly confident. This cycle has the exact same timing as our first cycle (we’d been not trying /not preventing almost 18 months but that was our first time actually trying with OPKs) two years ago, the loss of the which started this whole thing. I look back and I see how incredibly nieve we were. 

    I was less than 6 weeks pregnant when my proud fiance announced our pregnancy on Facebook. ‘It’s too soon’ I scolded, but it was too late. People had already started congratulating us. He reassured me that everything would be fine, and we went about our lives without a care in the world until the bleeding started. If I am pregnant this cycle, I’ll find out on the 2 year anniversary of the day I found out the first time. Half of me is convinced that we’ll get a positive this time because of the timing, like it’s some kind of sign, like the universe is going to make everything “all better”. The other part of me is horrified knowing that I’m probably not pregnant and I’ll have to face that anniversary in the company of aunt flo. Of course, in reality I know that even if I do get a positive, there’s no guarantee I wouldn’t miscarry again and even if I didn’t, even if everything worked out perfectly this time, there’s no way that everything could ever be “all better” again. I’ll always wonder who my babies would have grown up to become.. I’ll always wonder what could have been.  

    CD1 of C1. What the what?!. 

    So she’s here, Hurrah. With my most recent cycles being around 32-40 days I genuinely expected another week before my monthly visit but here she is on day 29. A week early, and she brings with her a fresh, new start. I have such a good feeling about this year, I don’t know why and I can’t explain it, but I feel as though this time things could be different. This time we’re going to get our rainbow. This time, a positive pregnancy test WILL be the beginning of our happy ending. I shall begin charting my BBT in the morning, hopefully I’ll get back into the routine before ovulating. Last time I started charting, I’d wake up and start getting dressed before remembering to take my temperature and would end up with a ridiculously screwy chart that made absolutely no sense whatsoever. I did eventually get into the swing of it though, and it was pretty simple once I got into the habit of doing it. I’ve no pregnancy tests at all, and (at the moment) I’m not planning to buy any. I always get to 8dpo and start going a little bit mad and end up doing anywhere between 5 and 10 tests a cycle. It’s not big, it’s not clever and it’s probably not healthy either, so my plan is to wait, and IF I’m late I’ll buy ONE test… Not ten. Maybe two if they’re on offer but definitely not more than two.. Well unless it’s a three for two deal.. Ok, I’m not saying that the crazy won’t kick in and buy fifty tests online at 1DPO, but I’m going to try my absolute best not to let that happen this cycle. I’m going to be calm, I’m going to be positive and everything is going to be fine.. I can do this.

    New year, new start. 

    Our appointment at St. Marys was two weeks ago now. I saw the consultant (Dr. Raj Rai) and he was lovely, very understanding. He went through all the tests we had done in November and December and explained that all of the results were normal. Obviously for the most part, getting the all clear was a huge relief, however I won’t pretend that I wasn’t also incredibly disappointed with the fact that we still have absolutely no idea why our babies died, or how to prevent it, or even lower the chances of it  happening again. I really wanted an answer, and although they couldn’t tell me what happened, they could at least tell me what didn’t happen so that will just have to be good enough for now. It’s more than I had in November at least. So for now we’ve been told to try again and they’ll repeat all the previous tests at six weeks gestation as apparently the results can change during pregnancy in 1 of 4 women who receive normal results in the first set of tests. We’ve had two weeks to get used to the idea of trying again after our what is now an eight month break, we have agreed that we’ll begin TTC when I ovulate mid February. I’ll try to make updates more regular than late, simply because having something to write always helps keep me at ease while in the two week wait and of course when the dreaded aunt flo makes an appearance. I’ll resume my usual plan of action with OPKs and temping to pin point my fertile phase. Hopefully this will give me a clear date of conception rather than the rough estimate I had in April/May. I am especially concerned about this as the consultant was adamant the tests should not be performed before six weeks and I usually miscarry between six and seven weeks. If for whatever reason our next baby is not destined to be born, I don’t want to miss the window and waste a chance at getting some answers. They’ve also offered to perform a scan at the appointment and knowing exactly when I ovulated will be useful in determining whether or not everything looks the way it’s supposed to look, and apparently it is possible to see a heart beat at six weeks and If we do, I just know that he/she will be absolutely fine, a perfect little miracle. For now though, I just wait for aunt flo to come and do her thing. 

    Waiting for the answers. 

    So it’s been six weeks since my first appointment at St Marys, they did a scan (all clear), and took blood for testing. On Wednesday I went back for my 2nd set of bloods. I didn’t see the consultant, so the appointment was quick and uneventful, but I go back in five weeks to see her and get my results. Until then I’m going to enjoy Xmas and hope.. I’m not really sure exactly what I’m hoping for, but I guess that doesn’t really matter anyway. 

     What will be, will be.. I pray that 2017 brings good news with it and not the grief of its predecessors. Not just for me, but for everyone I’ve seen struggle over the years for whatever reason. Merry Christmas to you and may the new year bring whatever it is you’re looking for. 

    Just checking in. 

    ​I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a long time, I’ve been unwell and distanced myself from everything TTC related for the sake of my mental health and to start putting myself back together. I thought I was doing well until this week, it’s  has been a bit of a roller-coaster of emotions that came to a climax of tears and anger yesterday morning (aunt flow arrived). I just needed to pop back and check in.

    My first  appointment at St Marys on Nov 1st went as expected. They did a scan which showed everything to be normal and took blood for testing. I have a return visit to London in two weeks to have more blood work done, I won’t get any results for another four weeks after that, but I already feel as though I know what they’ll say. I’m scared that after months of waiting, numerous blood tests, scans and £100s of pounds in travel cost I’m going to be told I’m fine and to try again. 

    Our youngest angel would have been due Xmas eve, and I just don’t know how I’m going to hold my s**t together over Xmas, but I guess that is a post for another time. 

    A more positive note. 

    Woo hoo! It’s here! 

    I actually feel a bit guilty for doubting my consultant now. I was starting to think that maybe he “forgot” to send my referral again but I was wrong (sorry Dr Siddig) 😏. 

    So my appointment for St Marys is here this morning and I’m guessing someone had a cancelation or something because instead of waiting six months (like I was told) to see them I’ll only be waiting six weeks! I’ve checked online and the train fare is usually £130 for a return (yikes!) so we’re going to book this week and we’ll hopefully save up to 50% which would be great as I’m desperately trying to save money for Xmas at the moment and not doing very well. I am a little worried about the fact that when I get pregnant I’ll be making that trip every 14 days, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. For now I’m just pleased that we’re a step closer to finding out what happened to our babies, if there’s anything to be found they’ll find it. 

    We’ve already agreed that if everything comes back normal we’ll give it one last shot, if something is found? Well, I guess that depends on what they find and what our chances are with treatment (if there is any).

    I’m going to spend the next six weeks trying to shift some of the extra weight and getting a healthy. They’re unable to help if we’re already pregnant for our first appointment, so we’re extending our break until after the appointment in November which takes off a little pressure too, it’s so much harder to say ‘no’ to cake when you’re in the midst of the dreaded TWW. All in all, I feel as though things are looking up.  

    Time for change. 

    Share your story here…  I’ve been staring at those four little words for days now. What do I say? 

    It’s been a long  four months since I last posted, I’ve been (and probably still am) unwell. Physically I’m fine, apart from the extra 25lbs I’ve been gathering and carrying around for the last 12 months or so, but my mental health took a real knock after our last miscarriage in May. I’m not the same person who started this blog  12 months ago. I’m angry and bitter, I’m an emotional train wreck and generally not a very nice person to be around a lot of the time (I’m working on this). I’m no stranger to depression, I have lived with it on and off since I was abused in my teens. Not only does it make me feel hopeless and make everyday tasks harder, but it also turns all the things I love into just another chore. I need get back to me. I need to kick myself out of this… Whatever it is and pick myself up because if I don’t, my Dr is going to keep pestering me to take antidepressants and I just can’t go through that again, it took me a long time to get off of them when I was younger and I’m not going back. It’s time for change. 

    First of all, this excess weight. Over the past year I have been comfort eating A LOT! I don’t mean an extra slice of pizza, I mean I’ve been known to eat a whole damn cake to myself for breakfast and then carry on eating as though junk food is going out of fashion. Two weeks ago I started a ketogenic  diet, I’ve not been weighing yet because I don’t want to become discouraged and fall off the wagon so soon, but I will buy and use a good set of bathroom scales soon (I promise). Not only will losing weight help me feel better, it might even help prevent another miscarriage (maybe). 

    Secondly, Ben and I need to make our relationship more of a priority. We’re not broken by any means, but it’s been a difficult time for both of us and we’ve not been paying attention to each other or finding time to talk. Cracks have begun to show at times, we haven’t been having sex, and we’ve argued over ridiculous things. We’ve started to schedule a “date night” every Wednesday, and we’ll take time away from other things and people, do nice things for each other and concentrate on showing our love for one another. We’ve only had one so far, but it was really good and we’ve both commented on how we’re looking forward to next week, we might even make it a twice weekly thing. 

    Next, I need to let go of the things that are bringing me down. This is the biggy. A great deal, if not most of my upset stems from never having an explanation for my losses. My GP did the blood work for clotting and thyroid ect after my second loss in November and they came back within normal range but that’s it. I was referred to a gynecologist and have been under his care for just under a year, during that time I’ve waited a total of six months for two appointments where absolutely nothing was done. The first appointment he said he’d give me aspirin and progesterone seconds after telling me that my losses are genetic and wouldn’t be helped by either. The second appointment he sent me for karyotype testing (Yay!) but when I called for my results weeks later, I was told the NHS do not offer this and our blood samples were disposed of (Boo!). He also (hopefully) referred me to the clinic in London. Now, he was supposed to have done this back in April but never got around to it, so forgive me for being impatient when it’s been almost a month and I’ve still not received any confirmation of the referral. I get that some of this is completely out of anyones hands, and I probably won’t get the answers I’m looking for, but right now I’m beginning to feel like it’s personal. I don’t know how to get passed this one, but I’m hoping London will bring some news good or otherwise and I can move on with it and I’m going to try and let go of the things that I can’t change.

    I’m also going to make a conscious effort to spend more time with one of my friends. We began TTC together two and a half years ago. She had two lovely boys who were good friends with my daughter, and three months before had found out that her 16 week pregnancy (the girl she’d been longing for) was not compatible with life. She had two very serious complications which meant that in the unlikely event she survived the birth, she’d need a lot surgery and probably wouldn’t have lived past her first birthday. Anyway, it was her first cycle TTC after that loss, and I’d been trying for 11 months. We met for lunch with our tests.. She was 9dpo and I was 12dpo. She was pregnant with her third son and I started AF later that day. We kind of drifted apart a little after that, I really struggled being around her while she was pregnant, and it was even harder when she would complain about the struggles of having a new born. He’s now just over a year old and my friend is 15 weeks pregnant again. I’m supposed to be having lunch with her today, but I flaked. I told myself I was too busy, but in reality I just didn’t want to hear about morning sickness and prams today. I’ve been selfish and unreliable and I’m going to do my best to make up for it. Maybe then I’ll be able to comfortably look at myself in the mirror again.